So Totally Random

So it has been a while since I have said anything, but things get crazy when work ends. I have been busy trying to find another job and then Dad came into town then I left town and now I finally have some time to relax and think. Time to myself which I have not had in over a week. I love my family, I really do, but they seem to like to smother me when they visit. In my family no one like to do things alone except me. My dad cannot go to the mall by himself and feel comfortable. My mom, although she says she likes to do things by herself, doesn't want to be alone. When she is alone, she gets nothing done. My brother has to always talk even if it as about nothing when he is around other people. He tries to be all smart and witty but it comes out harsh and lie-like. I love being by myslef. When I want to be around others I am, but 24/7 with my family? It's nuts! Later today my dad has to do some work. Since the A/C is broken in the house and it's 106 in El Paso right now Dad wants to go somewhere cool that has a working A/C. Will he be able to go by himself? No, he will drag me along with him. He will always say it's for my own good to get out of the house, but I am realxing. I am on vacation. I would like to do things that I want to do. It's really hard to do what I want to when I am waiting for someone to get home so I can have a car for a little while. That is why, my friends, when you go home for any amount of time you drive your own car. I feel like I am back in high school and have to ask and wait for a car. I have had my own car for the past 8 yrs and it's really hard for me to not have freedom. I would take the bus, but I do not want to have to sit in 106 degree temps on uncovered bus benches for who knows how long waiting for the correct bus to pick me up. I am really ready to get back to my normal life in San Antonio. I can only handle being away from my home for so long. People ask me where I am from and I say I am from all over Texas and Oklahoma. I don't have one place I can say I am from. I can say the last I lived or I can say where I am currently, but I don't have one place where I from do I don't really have a home place. Home is where you live at the moment to me and where your from, well that's another story. I feel bad for people that have lived in one place their entire lives. Think of all the experiences you miss out on living in one place. Think of the box you have confined yourself to when you live in one place. I am glad my dad moved us around a little when I was growing up. I have had so many experiences that I would have never had had I lived in Tulsa in the same house at the same school my entire life. It's nice to be in my parent's home, but I am ready for my home. On top of that I finally got new furniture two days before I left for EP and I want to relax on my new furniture. It's not offically mine until I pay the bank back, but in a couple of months it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

Again

Why can I not catch a break? These past two months have been so depressing for me. Everything is great, everyone really likes my attitude and experience with soccer, but it all comes down to the teaching position. Someone always has a little bit more experience than me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What is wrong with me that I can't go and do what I love to do? I am stuck in this cesspool not getting what I should be getting. The problem is I know what other teachers are making and I feel as though I am not valued. It's so much fun working for someone when you feel so valueless. I am tired of feeling like that. When will it all start to turn around?

Everyday a New Lesson Learned

I can't wait until summer starts. This year has really been a challenge. I never thought I would be so happy to see kids leave for the summer and not have to worry about seeing any of them for two and half months. The things I have learned this year are worth it though. There is an old adage that says "you learn something new everyday". This year has definately been like that. Around every corner has been a surprise and a new lesson. I learned that you cannot expect things to be the same year after year. You can't expect each kid to be the same as the kids from the year before. It has also been a learning experience in realizing people are so concerned with themselves that they really don't care about much else. Remember the teacher from the "Charlie Brown" cartoons? That's all kids hear when as adult is talking. Some kids will never shut their mouths and listen and they will be like that as an adult. When they do get into trouble they will try to argue their way out of it even though they were caught with the smoking gun and a thousand people saw them pull the trigger. Those are the kids that will never learn. Hopefully those kids are humbled somehow and learn what is they need to learn or we are in for a really bad future. I have also learned alot about myself. I have learned that as I am getting older I am becoming more of an intimidating person, more stand-offish, more blunt, more shrewd and less of the person I was in the past. I am way more cynical and sarcastic than I have ever been and it's really starting to scare me. I have had many people tell me that I intimidate them. Which isn't always a bad thing. I guess you can say that I am like Shrek and the onion analogy. I have many layers and you really have to work to get through them to get to my core and the tyoe of person I really am. I need something to help me get back to my old self. I don't like the person I am turning into. Right now it's hard for me to see the good in myself because I don't feel like I have any good. I feel as though I am on the treadmill of life. Running forever but not getting anywhere. Darn treadmills! Hopefully things will start to turn around soon.
I am still waiting for a reply form a school that I interviewed with last week. They told me the longer I waited the better the chance that I got the job. It's been a couple of days, but you never know. Hopefully this couple of days is the break I need.

Remember Me

Remember Me

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I Take It Personal

If you ask any athlete, there is always one person on the team that feels responsible for every loss. On my team it was me. I was the goalkeeper. If we lost it was my fault, if we had a bad game it was my fault. That is the kind of person I am. I cannot relax when I am a part of any activity because if it does not go as planned I feel totally responsible even if I am not in charge of it. I have recently decided that no matter what I do I cannnot do enough to make it turn out correctly. It's hard to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. I keep telling myself that, but I don't believe it. I want everyone to be happy even if I am unhappy. I have always done things for everyone else and not for me. I am trying to do more stuff for me, but nothing I do for myself is good enough either. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Last Monday I sent out a survey to everyone at Family Home Evening. For the most part there were a lot of good comments. But there are three people who totally loath FHE. These three people completely trashed everything that we have done in FHE and said they have not liked any of it. Here's the best part. The survey asked if anyone would be willing to coordinate a family home evening one night. If so then a name and phone number would be needed. The three people with the most negative thoughts didn't want to help. It's really hard for me to take people like that seriously. if you are going to complain that much and say that something needs a makeover then how about volunteering to help. Until you decide to help don't criticize. Even though I have trouble taking things like that seriously I still take it personally. I feel like I cannot make things good enough. I also feel that I have failed. I hate feeling like I have failed.
Me failing seems to happen a lot lately. I can't find a job that I want. Which means my dreams are going to be placed on hold again. I can't help but feel that I am not worthy enough for anything. Some people seem to think I am living a great life. I have no attachments. I am not married or dating, no kids, no familial responsibilities, no student loans (thankfully I did at least one thing right in my life), but it's still hard for me. I feel as though no matter what I do I will never be good enough for anybody. It's a personal issue, I know.
There was some good this week. We had a teacher appreciation dinner this week. I forgot about the dinner and didn't being a change of clothes to work, so I had to go shopping between work and the dinner for a new outfit. I did a fantastic job. I purchased a whole new outfit (shirt, jeans, shoes) for under fifty bucks. I must say, I love clearance racks. My mom also visited this weekend. We went shopping again and I bought a new wallet from COACH and received a 10% discount. Again, another financial victory. I also finally found the perfect centerpiece for my dining room table. Actually, I purchased the stuff to make it and it turned out to be beautiful. I also ate at the best Indian food restaurant ever, India Palace. All in all it was a week that started with lows, but ended with highs. I call that a pretty darn good week. I still take everything personally.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Today is Mother's Day. I had a chance to talk to my Grandma Gilmore. I love her. She always has the best advice and knows how to make my day. Grandmas are great. I love mine. She also tells me little stories about my dad that he never told. Today she told me my dad was a messy child. If you look at my dad today you would never think he was messy. He's so perfectionist. Come to find out he was not always like that. I love hearing those stories about my dad. I also talked to my mom to wish her a happy mother's day. She is coming to Austin this week and next weekend she will com visit me. It will be really nice to have her visit. I love spring a summer because I always have people visit. When people visit I get to take them to my favorite places around San Antonio. I love, love, love the La Villita/Hemisfair park area. I think it is goreous! I love the little shops and all the foliage and man-made water falls and stuff like that. I just love downtown San Antonio. It's really a beautiful downtown. It has so much history and beauty. I think my next favorite place is the Brackenridge Park area. I really want to go to the Japanese Tea Gardens and see what it is all about. When I get a chance I will do that. There is so much to do here I just don't have the time or even energy to do it all. Someday, I will get it all done.

Ventilation of Stress

I hope everything works out. These past two weeks have been so stressful that I felt like giving up on everything. I was asked to help with the school soccer team. Who knew I was going to be the "administrator" and having to do all the business stuff. I had ONE WEEK to get the uniforms, find a field that was not being used, and find referees that were free for the weekend. Then three days before the game it has to be rescheduled because the head coach of the other team wasn't going to be able to make it. Here's a suggestion: Instead of rescheduling the game and hoping that everything works out and the field and refs are still available how about sending the assistant coach with the team. Or another good idea, don't schedule games that overlap with another school event, DUH! So, as usual with where I work, there has to be a last minute change in the schedule. Instead of my principal telling the other principal that we play the game on Saturday or they forfiet, he gives in and decides to reschedule. Have some guts to support your staff that has been working day and night and going in for six hours on a day off and getting things set up. How about when you set everything up for a tournament you set up the schedule at the same time instead of allowing six weeks for a team to form then giving one week to find fields, uniforms, and refs during the busiest time in Texas soccer! Get out of your little world where everyone caters to one another and get in the real world where no one cares about you would you? Geez Louise it's irritating! How about the adminstrator do his job and find all the fields and refs and things like that. That's the adminstrators job, no the PE teacher's job. PE and athletics do not mix. Just because I know what I'm doing doesn't mean I do everything. I am trying to prepare for the biggest fitness test my kids will have to go through and I am dealing with stuff that the admins should be dealing with.
Stressor number 2: FitnessGRAM
What legislator got into his head that forcing ALL kids in school to do the FitnessGRAM was a good idea? It's (at the largest schools) six PE teachers testing thousands of students. So since PE teachers have to help with the TAKS does that mean classroom teachers have to help with the FitnessGRAM? Yeah, right! A classroom teacher being forced to help the PE teachers? PE is so beneath the other subjects. What a load of crock that is. I have 338 students to test and get results in by the end of the month. On top of that when did I get the instructions for how to do everything? Two weeks ago, the week before TAKS. On top of that I don't have a computer to download the software. Why do I not have a computer to do that when I said at the beginning of the school year that I needed a working CD/DVD player on my computer? Again, PE is beneath all. This week I have to test all of my students and figure out how to upload information when I don't have the software downloaded yet. If I don't get it all done by the end of the month I will be seen as "non-compliant" with TEA and that goes on my teaching record. The pressure is on. Will I get to skip my classes to get all the information entered like other teachers get when they are bogged down with work? Not at all. I will have to go into work earlier than I usually do and stay much later to get it all done. I won't have any help. Even though my AP told me I would have help, I can't really get any help unless the software is downloaded to the school database and every teacher has access to it. Good luck to me. The next few weeks are going to be absolutely stress filled.
Stressor number 3: Rockwall
I have another interview this week about a coaching job. This time it will be in Rockwall, TX. I am excited, but I am also very nervous. I have to take a day off of work and it is my last day to take before everything starts coming out of my paycheck. If this one doesn't go well, I don't know what else to do. I am grateful I still have a job for next year where I am working, but that isn't going to help me achieve my goals. I don't want to just sit in an office teaching PE all day. I want to be out there coaching. I want to use the knowledge I have, not let it go to waste. I am actually good at what I do and I am tired of not being able to use it. Club ball is not an option for me anymore. I am not appeasing to parents and parents want that out of a club coach, but that's not me. I don't know, I just don't know.
Am I going to feel better after placing this blog up? No, but at least I was able to vent for a little bit and it gave me something to post. I just hope everything turns out as it should. And when I mean should I really mean as I want it to turn out.