Where Will You Be In 5 Years?

If you had asked me that question 5 yrs ago I would not have said where I am today. I would have said I would have the house of my dreams, no car payment, at least one kid, maybe two, coaching a varsity soccer team, and having a social life. Where am I really in that five year span? I finally have a house! Leland and I bought a house in February and I am loving having a house! I don't care that I have higher bills because the happiness having a home brings me takes care of the feelings of resentment. I am still an assistant principal with the same school district, I have a huge car payment because of the accident two years ago that totaled my beloved Dawson. I don't have any kids, just two ridiculously crazy dogs, that I (sadly) treat like they are real human children. I have no social life and I don't remember what relaxation or a vacation is. I am drowning in work and trying to get back into shape with cross-fit (having to try to drop 40 lbs just to be a healthy weight again, ugh!). So far, my life is nowhere near what I wanted it to be.

One of the things I always wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I watch as all my friends are having kids of their own and posting pictures and celebrating firsts and birthdays. It's really hard when a friend who NEVER wanted kids just had a baby, literally, just had a baby a few days ago. It's hard when you see kids you taught have a kid and they aren't married and still living at home having mom and dad take care of the kid so they can go out and party. It's hard to see girls having abortions when there are couples whose hearts ache and yearn to have a little one and know they can't. It's hard to want something and know you can never have it. It's hard to get older and know there is little time left if you want that. I want my parents to be grandparents and my mother in law to be a grandma. I want my grandparents to be great-grandparents and take a three generation picture. I want to know a love like no other (or so I'm told) from having a kid of my own. But the more I sit here and think about it, my heart grows cold and I realize I don't really care if I have kids. After the things I have seen these past few years on the schools I have been in, I don't really care. There is so much evil and bad out there and it's on;y getting worse. I can't stand to be around kids between the ages of 6 months to 9 years old. Working in an elementary school has reaffirmed to me that I am in no way eligible to be a mom. The snotty noses, temper tantrums, "tie my shoe", defiance, disrespect, entitlement and so forth makes me cringe when I think about kids. The thing I love about my job, I can try to be a positive influence and know that what I am trying to do is hopefully going to be for the good of society. The walls are up again and the feelings are shut down.

Where will I be in 5 years? Probably right where I am today doing the same thing and trying to just keep afloat. I will definitely have more white hair and getting closer to 40, but meh. The world is ridiculous, my wants are pushed down for others needs and wants. Feelings of inadequacy will always be there and the question of "what if?" will still linger. As much as I have the feelings, I know that the Lord can always ease my burden and keep these feelings away and I can have hope again. The Atonement is a beautiful thing. I am a grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the blessings of the temple. I hear a storm rolling in so I better unplug. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Only time will tell.