Who am I?

Have you ever felt that no matter what you do people will never really get to know you, the real you? I ahve been living in SA for two years now and no one really knows who I am. Very few people have even tried to get to know me. I am a nerd, dork, geek all those things. I know I am not a big conversationalist either. I usually like to get to the point. I don' have interesting stories, I am quite boring. That's one part of me. The other part of me is this wild and crazy person that dances every song at the dance no matter what. That is the life of the party. I honestly feel like I am back in high school. I don't think I ever showed people who I really could be when I was in high school and I am back into that now. There is the popular group that looks at you like you're nothing and treats you that way if you don't dress a certain way, aren't a certain size, or look a certain way. Then there is the outcast group. I sometimes feel like I am part of that group. The outcasts are actually the majority, but you would never know it. Personalities really differ between these groups. The "pops" are very fake. They say hi but don't really care about anything but whomever is in their little groups. The outcasts actually care about everyone they are involved with and try to reach out to everyone else but are crushed or brushed aside. When I first moved here I was at an activity and introduced myself to a few people one person just continued walking. Another person said hi but didn't offer any help, just walked to the group that he/she was running to in the first place and the last one is a kicker. I introduced myself and the person told me that since he/she was leaving in a week for school that he/she didn't care to meet me. I don't know about you but all I can say is WOW. How rude, inconsiderate and selfish you have to be to say and do the things to another human being that those people did to me. Sorry I am not like you but WOW! Ever since that first night I have not felt like I can be who I truly know I can be. I have stopped commenting in classes, I now hate dances and dancing in public, I have a hard time reaching beyond my limits, etc. I use to not be like that. I was normally the first person to introduce myself to and get to know a new person. I was louder and more fun. I was a person. I felt like I was accepted by everyone. I never felt shy about anything. Now, I'm not like that. I have a hard time being who I want to be because of the criticism I know I will face and the fakeness of everyone around me.

I this is really a downer piece tonight. I am now a bitter old woman. The thing I never thought I would be. Gotta get out of this bitterness. People will be what they are. If they have lived a certain way for most of their life then that is their comfort zone and they will stay in that lifestyle. I just gotta see it all for what it is. Once I can do that then I will be much happier. Sometimes it just gets to me and I can't help but explode every now and then, At least I don't explode on people. It's way better to explode on paper and not use names or descriptions than it is to go up to people in the heat of the moment and tell them off. Things happen and you just gotta vent. I feel much better. I don't know if I will ever be the person I use to be, but only the future holds the answer. We shall see, we shall see.