I Take It Personal

If you ask any athlete, there is always one person on the team that feels responsible for every loss. On my team it was me. I was the goalkeeper. If we lost it was my fault, if we had a bad game it was my fault. That is the kind of person I am. I cannot relax when I am a part of any activity because if it does not go as planned I feel totally responsible even if I am not in charge of it. I have recently decided that no matter what I do I cannnot do enough to make it turn out correctly. It's hard to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. I keep telling myself that, but I don't believe it. I want everyone to be happy even if I am unhappy. I have always done things for everyone else and not for me. I am trying to do more stuff for me, but nothing I do for myself is good enough either. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Last Monday I sent out a survey to everyone at Family Home Evening. For the most part there were a lot of good comments. But there are three people who totally loath FHE. These three people completely trashed everything that we have done in FHE and said they have not liked any of it. Here's the best part. The survey asked if anyone would be willing to coordinate a family home evening one night. If so then a name and phone number would be needed. The three people with the most negative thoughts didn't want to help. It's really hard for me to take people like that seriously. if you are going to complain that much and say that something needs a makeover then how about volunteering to help. Until you decide to help don't criticize. Even though I have trouble taking things like that seriously I still take it personally. I feel like I cannot make things good enough. I also feel that I have failed. I hate feeling like I have failed.
Me failing seems to happen a lot lately. I can't find a job that I want. Which means my dreams are going to be placed on hold again. I can't help but feel that I am not worthy enough for anything. Some people seem to think I am living a great life. I have no attachments. I am not married or dating, no kids, no familial responsibilities, no student loans (thankfully I did at least one thing right in my life), but it's still hard for me. I feel as though no matter what I do I will never be good enough for anybody. It's a personal issue, I know.
There was some good this week. We had a teacher appreciation dinner this week. I forgot about the dinner and didn't being a change of clothes to work, so I had to go shopping between work and the dinner for a new outfit. I did a fantastic job. I purchased a whole new outfit (shirt, jeans, shoes) for under fifty bucks. I must say, I love clearance racks. My mom also visited this weekend. We went shopping again and I bought a new wallet from COACH and received a 10% discount. Again, another financial victory. I also finally found the perfect centerpiece for my dining room table. Actually, I purchased the stuff to make it and it turned out to be beautiful. I also ate at the best Indian food restaurant ever, India Palace. All in all it was a week that started with lows, but ended with highs. I call that a pretty darn good week. I still take everything personally.