You Really Can't Go Home Again

I thought I had something to write about but now I can't remember what I wanted to say. That happens quite a bit to me. Short attention span I guess. So I just back from visiting family this past week and a half. Let me tell ya, I am soooo happy to be back in SA. It was the most boring time I had. I also felt like I was in high school all over again. I did not have a car to drive so I had to wait for someone to come home, but I really wasn't able to go anywhere by myself without knowing that Mom or Dad would be hurt if I didn't take them with me. My last night there my mom was so upset that I wanted to see a friend that I have not seen in over two years. She just got married and moved back to EP with her husband and she was not able to eat lunch with the rest of us over the weekend so I wasn't able to see her. All I wanted was to say hi and do a little catching up and talk about the wedding. I felt horrible the whole time because Mom was upset that I didn't spend the whole last night with her. I have decided that I can't go home that much. As much as I love my dogs and my friends, time with my fam is not the greatest thing. Mom complains about Dad, Dad complains about Mom and I hear both sides of it. I am tired of being the sounding board for their frustrations. It's just too hard on me and I have to make a decision. I do not want to go home until everything is worked out and my old bedroom is cleaned out and turned into an office or entertainment room. There is so much drama and crap that I just don't want to deal with it. So there it is. No more going "home". Maybe to see friends and stay with them, but that's it. No familial contact while I am there.
I love being back in SA. I have my own life here and I love it. My friends, the few I have, are here and the rest of my life is here. I am grateful to be here and learn the things I have and met the people I have met and associated with. I have so much fun here. I am busy with life and love it. It's what I have always wanted and I am grateful for the experience. I really am grateful for everything I have been blessed with.

So Totally Random

So it has been a while since I have said anything, but things get crazy when work ends. I have been busy trying to find another job and then Dad came into town then I left town and now I finally have some time to relax and think. Time to myself which I have not had in over a week. I love my family, I really do, but they seem to like to smother me when they visit. In my family no one like to do things alone except me. My dad cannot go to the mall by himself and feel comfortable. My mom, although she says she likes to do things by herself, doesn't want to be alone. When she is alone, she gets nothing done. My brother has to always talk even if it as about nothing when he is around other people. He tries to be all smart and witty but it comes out harsh and lie-like. I love being by myslef. When I want to be around others I am, but 24/7 with my family? It's nuts! Later today my dad has to do some work. Since the A/C is broken in the house and it's 106 in El Paso right now Dad wants to go somewhere cool that has a working A/C. Will he be able to go by himself? No, he will drag me along with him. He will always say it's for my own good to get out of the house, but I am realxing. I am on vacation. I would like to do things that I want to do. It's really hard to do what I want to when I am waiting for someone to get home so I can have a car for a little while. That is why, my friends, when you go home for any amount of time you drive your own car. I feel like I am back in high school and have to ask and wait for a car. I have had my own car for the past 8 yrs and it's really hard for me to not have freedom. I would take the bus, but I do not want to have to sit in 106 degree temps on uncovered bus benches for who knows how long waiting for the correct bus to pick me up. I am really ready to get back to my normal life in San Antonio. I can only handle being away from my home for so long. People ask me where I am from and I say I am from all over Texas and Oklahoma. I don't have one place I can say I am from. I can say the last I lived or I can say where I am currently, but I don't have one place where I from do I don't really have a home place. Home is where you live at the moment to me and where your from, well that's another story. I feel bad for people that have lived in one place their entire lives. Think of all the experiences you miss out on living in one place. Think of the box you have confined yourself to when you live in one place. I am glad my dad moved us around a little when I was growing up. I have had so many experiences that I would have never had had I lived in Tulsa in the same house at the same school my entire life. It's nice to be in my parent's home, but I am ready for my home. On top of that I finally got new furniture two days before I left for EP and I want to relax on my new furniture. It's not offically mine until I pay the bank back, but in a couple of months it will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine.

Again

Why can I not catch a break? These past two months have been so depressing for me. Everything is great, everyone really likes my attitude and experience with soccer, but it all comes down to the teaching position. Someone always has a little bit more experience than me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What is wrong with me that I can't go and do what I love to do? I am stuck in this cesspool not getting what I should be getting. The problem is I know what other teachers are making and I feel as though I am not valued. It's so much fun working for someone when you feel so valueless. I am tired of feeling like that. When will it all start to turn around?

Everyday a New Lesson Learned

I can't wait until summer starts. This year has really been a challenge. I never thought I would be so happy to see kids leave for the summer and not have to worry about seeing any of them for two and half months. The things I have learned this year are worth it though. There is an old adage that says "you learn something new everyday". This year has definately been like that. Around every corner has been a surprise and a new lesson. I learned that you cannot expect things to be the same year after year. You can't expect each kid to be the same as the kids from the year before. It has also been a learning experience in realizing people are so concerned with themselves that they really don't care about much else. Remember the teacher from the "Charlie Brown" cartoons? That's all kids hear when as adult is talking. Some kids will never shut their mouths and listen and they will be like that as an adult. When they do get into trouble they will try to argue their way out of it even though they were caught with the smoking gun and a thousand people saw them pull the trigger. Those are the kids that will never learn. Hopefully those kids are humbled somehow and learn what is they need to learn or we are in for a really bad future. I have also learned alot about myself. I have learned that as I am getting older I am becoming more of an intimidating person, more stand-offish, more blunt, more shrewd and less of the person I was in the past. I am way more cynical and sarcastic than I have ever been and it's really starting to scare me. I have had many people tell me that I intimidate them. Which isn't always a bad thing. I guess you can say that I am like Shrek and the onion analogy. I have many layers and you really have to work to get through them to get to my core and the tyoe of person I really am. I need something to help me get back to my old self. I don't like the person I am turning into. Right now it's hard for me to see the good in myself because I don't feel like I have any good. I feel as though I am on the treadmill of life. Running forever but not getting anywhere. Darn treadmills! Hopefully things will start to turn around soon.
I am still waiting for a reply form a school that I interviewed with last week. They told me the longer I waited the better the chance that I got the job. It's been a couple of days, but you never know. Hopefully this couple of days is the break I need.